


guilty kiss

by yurileclerc



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: < meaning that they dated for a month till they both realized theyre both gay and best friends, Angst, Doing makeup, F/F, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Minor Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Marianne von Edmund, Past Marianne/Dimitri, gay thoughts, kinda??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yurileclerc/pseuds/yurileclerc
Summary: A week ago, Marianne decided her friend was both beautiful and impossible - and she felt it saved her life in a way.
Relationships: Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril
Comments: 21
Kudos: 102





	guilty kiss

**Author's Note:**

> this is for some friends on twitter, hope y'all like! i'm gay. the summary is from a book called "tonight im someone else" by chelsea hodson

Marianne’s thoughts consume her, because a Marianne from the past would think such sinful thoughts were unbefitting to one as devout to the goddess as she. As a child, her father would denounce it, speak of how  _ disgusting  _ and  _ evil _ one had to be to partake in such a  _ horrid  _ act. 

Perhaps she’s nothing but a filthy hypocrite. All those years ago, she couldn’t help but pretend as though those thoughts were just misdirected attraction. She doesn’t want to disappoint those around her, and she’d rather end her life than disappoint the goddess - because at that point, life has little to no meaning. She has devoted her life to the goddess, and to throw away her life for such a trivial thing would be nothing short of foolish.

So she buries those thoughts. Because they are nothing but a punishment from the goddess.

\- 

One day, she kisses Dimitri. They’d been together for only a month, and Marianne  _ thinks  _ she  likes him. He’s nice and likes to spend time with her - and that’s enough of a catalyst to begin a relationship. Not a lot of people really enjoy her company - no one except Hilda, but she could  _ never  _ fall in love with her. Never. So they kiss, because Marianne is in love and Claude insists that there’s no better declaration of love than physical affection. It’s a simple press of lips in the cathedral, and despite enjoying a magical kiss with her “Prince Charming” (Hilda’s words, not hers), she pulls away as if she’d been stabbed in the chest, or shocked by a magic spell. 

She doesn’t know why she feels so uncomfortable; had it been too soon? Was Dimitri just an awful kisser? Was  _ Marianne  _ just an awful kisser? Why had it felt so wrong? She liked Dimitri.

Right?

When she leaves the cathedral, she touches her lips. They feel as though they’ve been tainted from just a simple kiss. They never kiss again, because neither feel the need to.

( Weeks pass, and they still don’t talk about it. At some point, Dimitri admits his discomfort, and so does Marianne. They don’t date anymore, because life was better when they were simply friends. )

-

Marianne has known Hilda for 6 months. There’s something different about her that separates her from the rest - something indistinguishable. Perhaps it’s the misplaced feelings she’s tried so hard to bury. It isn’t...foreign - she’s had similar feelings as a child, with an old childhood friend. Eden was her name, and after Father had so graphically described his disgust for what Marianne had felt for her, she no longer kept those feelings. She does not want to disappoint the goddess.

She’s always by her side, checking up on her when she seems down - even when she doesn’t feel as  _ horrible  _ as she could feel. During one of Professor’s lectures, Hilda asks what happened, and why she would pass up such a unique opportunity that is dating a prince. Marianne stumbles on words in an attempt to save some face, but Hilda only brushes it off. It was just a joke, she says. Marianne’s not great with jokes. 

Since Dimitri is no longer in the picture, she has a lot more time to spare - most of it being spent with Hilda. Post-class is spent locked away in hers or Hilda’s room, doing anything  _ but  _ studying, because Hilda hates studying. It’s why she hasn’t passed a single exam so far. Marianne doesn’t care, though. She adores her, shockingly, because she is a spitfire Marianne can’t keep up with. Marianne is far from exciting, but her friend adds the necessary spice in her life that has her chasing her company. As draining as it is, she wants to keep up with all the excitement, because without it her life wouldn’t be complete. Without Hilda her life wouldn’t be complete. 

A week from Dimitri and Marianne’s separation, Hilda offers to do her makeup. They’re in Hilda’s room today, because on Sundays neither has anything better to do. “Those eyebags are so sad, Mari! Let me cover em’ up for you!” In all honesty, Marianne doesn’t like makeup, because it’s promiscuous - or so she’s been told. A proper lady doesn’t spend hours coating her face in such a thing. When she tells Hilda this, she disagrees. She thinks it makes a girl look pretty. Her heart aches upon being told that. Marianne doesn’t like makeup, is she ugly for that? She wants Hilda to think she’s pretty, she doesn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t. 

Marianne doesn’t ask about Hilda’s thoughts on her appearance. Ignorance is bliss, and all that. No, she doesn’t ask if she thinks she’s pretty, but she does accept the offer. A part of her wants to be pretty for Hilda, and another just can’t say no to her. 

She pulls out her makeup bag, full of different makeup that were most likely gifts from her father and brother. She pulls out a brush with thick bristles and powder covered on the top. A hand is cupping her chin, tilting it up so theyre looking each other straight in the eyes. The intensity of her gaze causes her to feel  _ extremely  _ self conscious. How does she look? Does she look awkward? Goddess, Hilda’s so  _ close. _

“Close your eyes, Mari, I gotta do your eyeshadow.”

She obliges, breathing out anxiously. The brush tickles her eyelid, and she flinches as it presses against it. “Stop moving. You’re distracting me.” Marianne apologizes, breathing to the gentle strokes Hilda applies to her eyelids. A few moments pass before she can finally open her eyes again, and she has to blink a bit before she can see a proud Hilda before her. 

“Cool! Uh, Can I put some lip gloss on too? Yuri suggested this really cool brand,” she says, uncapping the lip gloss and presenting it to her. 

“Um, sure,” Marianne shrugs, “I don’t see why not.”

Hilda beams, gently holding her face again and outlining her lips with the brush. She stares at her lips like she has a purpose - like they’re the only thing that matters. Her chest is beating violently as she feels the gel coat her bottom lip. When she  _ finally  _ finishes is when she asks the question plaguing her mind. She’s not sure if it’s an impulse or a need to find out or _both_ \- but it doesn't matter. She asks despite her reasoning.

“Do you think I’m pretty, Hilda?”

Hilda stops, looking up at Marianne confused. “Huh? Yeah, yeah I do.” She starts applying the lip gloss to her top lip to match the bottom. She wipes away the stray hints of gel on her cupid’s bow with her thumb, tongue sticking out in concentration. 

“I thought you said makeup makes a girl pretty. I don’t like makeup. Is that why you’re doing my makeup now? So I’ll look pretty?”

“No!” she cries, looking back at her with distress, “I just wanna do your makeup, Mari. I don’t think you look bad!”

Marianne looks down in guilt. She didn’t  _ mean  _ to upset her. “Sorry.”

“No, you’re alright. Don’t say you’re ugly though, okay? You aren’t. I think you’re beautiful - press your lips together two times so it looks good -  _ really  _ beautiful.”

Marianne blushes, and even though she definitely has more than enough lipstick on, Hilda still holds her face. As though she’s going to continue to work on her lips.

“Maybe I think you’re a bit too beautiful. Too much to be appropriate.”

They stare at each other. And stare. And keep staring. Then Hilda kisses her. 

She doesn’t ask to kiss her like Dimitri does, because she doesn’t need permission like Dimitri does. Her lips are soft, if not a bit sticky from the lip gloss coating both their lips. It’s electric, but this time Marianne doesn’t pull away. She wants Hilda to kiss her forever, and suddenly her previous devoutness is all in vain, because she’s ready to devote herself to the goddess that is Hilda.

May Seiros quiver in her tomb.

Hilda pulls away, and she looks  _ guilty  _ of all things. Unapologetic Hilda, regretting her actions. It’s ironic, and maybe she would have laughed if she hadn’t felt she’d been on the verge of death and revived by a simple kiss. Marianne opens her mouth, closes it - repeats until Hilda finally says something.

“You kissed me back.”

“I know,” Marianne whispers.

They sit in silence until Hilda holds her wrists, pressing them to her chest. 

“The church would never allow it,” Marianne whispers again, looking down in guilt. Hilda kisses her knuckles. When the touch disappears, she presses her hands to her forehead. 

“Who cares?” 

Marianne can’t say she does. Though she be a sinner, she could never call herself a liar. She won’t lie to Hilda.

“Aren’t you tired of running, Marianne?”

And perhaps she was right. Perhaps Marianne  _ had  _ been running from a feeling out of fear. It took a year, 152 days, 27 minutes and 42 seconds to realize she is in love with her. It took 17 years to realize this feeling will never go away, no matter how many prayers the goddess has received, begging to fix what had never been broken. This feeling inside of her is now tainted. She will never kiss another man as good as she had Hilda. She will never love a man as much as she loves Hilda. There is no use in denying it any longer.

“I am.”

**Author's Note:**

> pls leave a kudos + comment i eat that shit up  
> 


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